Entry #6 - 04/06/2023 (minor nsfw)

So good news! I have a new job! And its a work from home type of job so I never have to leave the confines of my own bedroom! My parents are still being shitty fucking people but I cant change that so that's nothing new.

Oh, and I'm still obssesed with Doom. I wanna fuck Doom Guy AND Samuel Hayden.

Entry #5 - 02/22/2023

So finally, a modicum of good news. I had a phone interview yesterday and it went well enough that next Tuesday I have an in-person interview with them! It's at a chocolatiers about 45 minutes away. I'm excited and I hope I get the job.

Other than that I've been doing generally alright. Been having some weird ass kin related shifting stuff going on but I also started playing Doom 3 which I really love. It's super spooky and the ambience is the right type of Demonic that I have been CRAVING. That actually sounds horrible when you put it into words,lmao.

Entry #4 - 02/12/2023 (General Vent)

I think I'm having an anxiety attack.

I also think maybe it was a stupid fucking idea to leave my old job. I've put in over 40 job applications, I have gotten maybe 4 interviews. Out of 40. And I only have like, 2 months left of money before I fully run out of money I'm sitting on. I just want a fucking job at this point. But what sucks is I want a job anda life. Which is pretty much fucking impossible these days.

This fucking sucks.

Entry #3 - 02/07/2023

You ever just wanna run away? I mean I'm not in a bad mood right now but all I want to do right now is to run away. Preferably I'd be running away with Demon and his boyfriend somewhere, because they're my family. Demon means a lot to me. Like, I guess if theres any way to explain the closest thing to how I view us is like a queer platonic relationship. Demon's much more than just my best friend but we're not like, in an 'actual' relationship. I have told him mulitple times he's my soulmate though. I've never had someone who understands me the way he does. He constantly states he worries about me, tells me he loves me, comes to me just like 'hey, hey arsenic, hey i have an idea'. We talk almost every day, which makes me happy. He makes me happy. That's really gay sounding but, y'know. We're both gay so I suppose it is, lmao.

I've just been daydreaming about my future and what I'd ideally want it to be. It would just be living somewhere on the other side of the country with Demon and his boyfriend, Ruby. But it's always like a dumb indie movie in my head where everything is perfect, which life has told me thats not at all what would happen. I wish I had more to write. I did earlier but my memorie is shit so...yknow.

Entry #2 - 02/07/2023 (vent; mentions of trauma, suicidal thoughts)

I should of just left the voice call. I was in a voice call with friends today and I got talked over while I was infodumping about my kins, because it interested me. And then everyone started talking over me because my friend's boyfriend was talking and somehow the subject of Breaking Bad got brought up. Everytime I tried to intervene (as they kinda interrupted me in the middle of a sentance), they continued talking over me. So I thought 'What's the point? I'll just shut up, obviously.' Eventually, yeah they realized I hadn't been talking but then I bring up that I've been talked over this whole time, I somehow make my friend upset. And this is before she DMs me to talk about it.

The way the DMs were worded came out like it was my fault for being talked over. It's not like I tried twice and kept getting talked over, no. And then she goes and vauges about me in one of our mutual servers that 'stuff thats happened online brought up old trauma from an old friend'. Which makes me feel even more like shit because, first I felt like shit for being talked over, and now I get to feel like shit because I've upset somebody for mentioning I feel like shit for being talked over.

What hurts the most and seems the most unfair, is she goes 'we don't wanna talk about just one thing' (aka me talking about my kins, which I only had mentioned three in the form of gifs, not even talking about them) and then her, her boyfriend and our other friend in the call, go into a 15 minute echololia filled word vomit about Breaking Bad and the memes from the show, so it comes off more 'we don't care about what you wanna talk about, really' and 'what you have to say is boring' than literally anyting else. At least our other friend tried to cheer me up and invited me to show me her island on Animal Crossing.
I need to learn to stop fucking talking because all it ever does anymore is make people upset at me. People wonder why I think about ending my life so often. Maybe if it didn't come off like I was a fucking burden to literally everyone anytime I open my fucking mouth, I wouldn't feel this way.

Entry #1 (mentions of abuse)

So far, nothing has come up for a job search just yet. I'm almost a month unemployeed. Sucks but I have an open interview I'm going to on Monday for a pharmacy techintian. They pay for all the training so thats good, and the pay is 17$ an hour. So not bad. I hope I get it. It's hard applying for jobs to only unfortunatly have call backs from only the lower paying ones, or none at all.

Aside from that, life's....ok. I mean I don't have to fear for my life or anything I guess but I've been threatened by my mother that if I don't lose 5 pounds in a month, she is serious about kicking me out. But then she went and bought me a new bed and matteress so...I don't know. They'res more bad that weighs out the good I guess but I honestly don't have anywhere to go and I guess as long as she's not hitting me, I guess it's doable. I'm not saying it's a good place to be, it's just I don't have anywhere to go right now.